When I realized I am pregnant, I prayed to Abba Father to let me know who our doctor should be. I do not know any women who enjoy going to the gynaecologist. I am not a big fan of the medical world and have had many traumatic experiences.
Abba’s answer came and He confirmed who the doctor must be multiple times. I booked our first appointment.
My husband and I went for our 13-week scan at the gynaecologist and seeing that Covid-19 is featuring, my husband had to stay outside in the car. This was traumatic for me to start with. First lesson, Abba showed me how important my husband’s role is. My husband makes me feel safe, at home and can bring a level of calmness in my flesh that I experience nowhere else. Wow – a wonderful picture of what Abba does for all of us. Yet, Abba knew during this transition and journey of pregnancy, I need a physical reminder that I am safe.
Wearing masks,
the doctor started my appointment and I was very aware of the different emotions I felt while feeling more and more uncomfortable and unsafe. I have a strong point of view on pap smears and prefer not to do them; for the main reason that they are driven by fear. Remember, this is my opinion and my personal reason for not doing them. The result is that the doctor insisted on doing a pap smear and because of the overwhelming emotions of the conversation leading up to this point, I was paralysed. YES … you read it correctly. Completely paralysed – emotionally and spiritually. I went through the procedure clenching with pain seeing that the bladder infection just healed a few days before this appointment. After coming back from the toilet, the doctor asked me if I were okay. I answered that I am not, which lead him to ask me what is wrong.
I explained, through the warm tears destroying my mask and snorting back the mucus because of not being able to wipe my nose, that I usually need weeks to prepare myself mentally for a pap smear and this completely caught me off guard. Amazingly, he apologised, and we were able to continue with the appointment.
After leaving the doctor’s office I cried for two days, struggling through the process of processing the trauma I could feel in my soul. Everyone needs to process trauma differently and for me, I must speak about it in a safe environment. That is what I did, and these were the revelations the Holy Spirit taught through the different conversations:
- I placed the doctor’s emotions above my own; making myself a victim in the situation when I could have walked out. I am after all the client.
- Because I unconsciously believed that doctors have qualifications, they are better than I and I should submit to them. This is dangerous because it unconsciously placed the doctor above Abba in my soul.
- I allowed the doctor to shame me in the way he spoke to me instead of implementing boundaries. Everyone experiences shame and even emotions on different levels. Communication, therefore, is important so we can allow healthy relationships to manifest.
- I felt compelled to go back to the same doctor because that is the “right thing” to do, but Abba showed me that His way is not always the “right thing to do” according to what I believe or interpret His Word to be.
- When I asked Abba why I had this terrible experience if He clearly said that this is the doctor for me, He answered that I had to visit this doctor for me to FULLY REALISE that I solely submit to people I believe that are “better” than me. Yes, I even put myself down to comply to them no matter if it’s contradicting who I am. If I reject myself, I complicate the presence of Abba Father by entering the drama triangle and wanting to be the saviour. This behaviour unconsciously shouts that what Jesus did is not enough.
This doctor’s appointment ended up being one of the greatest learning curves I have ever had. I realise I would NEVER have had the opportunity to realise and learn these 5 things if it were not for that doctor. Abba confirmed that I should start to look for a new doctor.
